


seasons run

by JayniePowers



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 08:15:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14637792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayniePowers/pseuds/JayniePowers
Summary: It’s Ellie’s first winter in Jackson, and the memories from the previous one come flooding back. (This is a bad summary, so sorry;)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from a song by The xx that reminded me of Ellie. This should have about 4-5 chapters. Would love to hear your feedback, it helps a lot!!!  
>  Thanks!  
>  Jaynie<3

“Oh man, it's fucking cold!”

“It's gonna be quite the winter.”

Just hearing that word come out of Joel’s mouth made Ellie uneasy.

She was definitely not looking forward to the upcoming winter, not just because of the weather. 

They were walking to the plant to try and get some work done before it was too cold to function, as it was November.

“Ellie, I’m talking to you.” Joel said, concerned that she was falling back into one of her distant moods.

“Oh, sorry, what did you say?” 

“Forget it.” He looked over to see her completely lost in thought. “Everything alright?” 

“I guess.” Ellie blurted out, meaning to say the usual ‘I'm fine’, and regretted not saying that.

“You guess?” 

_ He knows you’re not okay, Ellie, you might as well tell him. _

“Let's just say I'm not super excited for the winter.” 

“Why not?” 

She looked up at him. “You know why.” Joel was hoping it wasn't the reason he knew it was.

There was a moment of silence, while he was trying to think of what to say to try to comfort her.

“You're not alone in this. You know that, right?” He could never come up with the right words to say, but Ellie got the message. She smiled in response.

“Thanks. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?” Joel knew she had nightmares about winter all of the time, and they had started to come less as time went on. But the more the cold came, so would the dreams.

“Yeah. I think so.” She muttered in response. It was unspoken, yet they both knew that she would break at some point. But Joel would be there to catch all the pieces as they fall.

 

A month had passed, and Ellie had been fine for the most part.

It was early in the morning, and she had passed out on the couch the night before. She woke up and couldn't stop a smile from coming when she noticed there was a blanket on her that was not there when she fell asleep.

_ What a sap. _

Ellie sat up and looked to her left out the window.

_ Oh god. _

There was nothing but white covering the streets and the houses across the street. 

She immediately felt her heart start to pound in her chest. 

Ellie was most definitely not fine now.

Joel walked down the stairs and looked over to see her staring outside and nearly hyperventilating. He noticed the snow from through the window.

“Oh, shit. Ellie?” He speedily walked over to her spot on their couch, and once she saw him instead of the snowy neighborhood, she felt the tears start to come.

“I don't think I'm fine.” It was the same voice she used when she was about to cry, and he sat next to her. She collapsed into his arms and started to sob. 

“It's okay, baby, it's okay, I gotcha.” 

Joel knew this winter would be anything but easy.

 

After he spent the morning consoling Ellie, Joel needed to go to work, or else he’d get an earful from Maria.

“Hey.” Joel’s same exciting greeting he gave to Tommy every day.

“Hey. Where’s that girl of yours?” 

“She’s, uh, not feeling very well.” Tommy got used to reading the bullshit off of Joel’s face.

“What’d you do?” 

“Why do ya always assume it’s my fault?”

“‘Cause it usually is!”

“No it's n-” He sighed, “she had a bit of a meltdown this mornin’.”

“Why?”

“Remember what I told ya about last winter?” 

“Oh.” 

“She hasn't been like this in awhile.”

“You can go home if you need to.”

“I’m sure your wife would love that.” Joel’s signature sarcasm.

“I’ll take the blame, just go home.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. She needs you, Joel.” Tommy always had a good heart, and he put himself on the line for that more times than he could count.

“Thank you.”

“Of course. See ya tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” 

 

Joel opened the front door to find Ellie crying on the couch again.

“Hey, I thought you said you would be okay.” He rushed to her side again and let her stain his shirt with more tears.

“I'm not.” There was that sad voice that broke his heart again. 

She let it out, and once she was done, he pulled away.

“You wanna talk about it?” Joel always asked her this, and she always said no. But it never hurt to ask and let her know it’s okay if she needs to talk.

She took a deep breath and nodded, and it took him a second to comprehend the fact that she didn't reject his offer.

Joel still didn't know the full story of winter. She had never wanted to talk about it, and he never pushed her to. 

Ellie told him everything that happened, and he got the answers for a lot of questions he had. He finally understood why she was so phased by deer. Why she flinched at any physical contact for a month after he found her in that burning diner. Joel also felt that protective anger boil in his gut when she told him about that living pile of garbage.

“I'm sorry.” 

“The hell are you sorry for?” She almost sounded mad at him for feeling guilty.

“Leavin’ ya when I did.” 

“It's not your fault, Joel.” 

Ellie took another deep breath and wiped the old tears off of her face.

“I feel a lot better now.” She stated, being 100% honest.

“I'm glad. You gonna be alright?” 

“Not sure,”-bullshit- “but I'm fine for now.” Okay that part wasn’t bullshit.

“Alright.”

They spent the rest of the day together, trying to keep the outside off of her mind before she inevitably had to leave the house.


	2. Chapter 2

“You ready?”

“Yeah.”

They were both bundled up in whatever clothes they could find and were about to head out.

“We don’t have to do this if you’re not ready.” Joel said. He had this gut-feeling that she was going to have a panic attack.

“I am.” Ellie was reassuring him more than she was herself at this point.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

He opened the door for Ellie and she gave him an apprehensive look as she walked outside.

Joel followed her out the door and stood at her side once she stopped walking.

Ellie took a deep breath and he could see that her hands were shaking a bit.

He bent over a bit and gently grabbed her hand and she looked up at him, feeling a bit more relaxed.

“I’ll be right here with ya, okay?”

Ellie nodded in response and couldn’t stop the feeling of loss from taking over once Joel let go of her hand.

She followed him around and had to keep him in her peripheral vision at all times in order to keep herself calm.

 

Ellie maintained her composure for most of the day, Joel having to snap her out of her own thoughts a couple of times. She seemed completely fine.

Then it happened.

Joel left her with Tommy so he could go get something done. Tommy wandered not too far away from her, but suddenly she was surrounded by nothing but the neighborhood and the snow covering it, and it triggered her quicker than anyone could predict.

Ellie felt like she couldn’t breathe, and like she was magically brought back to Colorado. She felt the tears start to stream down her face and she wanted to scream, but couldn’t. She heard the church bell ringing in her ears. She could feel the weight on top of her. The fear seep back into her. That monster’s hands wrapped around-

“Ellie!”

She suddenly snapped back to reality and saw Tommy looking at her with a large amount of worry in his face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He put his hand on her shoulder and she flinched, still shaken.

She sunk to the ground and started to sob, hating that she couldn’t stop the memories from taking control over her life.

Tommy had no fucking clue what was going on.

There she was, crying her eyes out, her face in her hands, just sitting in the snow. 

He slowly sat down next to her on the curb after her sobs turned into sniffles, which didn’t take too long.

“Sorry.” Ellie chuckled to herself while she wiped the tears off of her face.

“Ain’t nothin’ to be sorry for, Ellie.” He paused and looked at her, seeing how exhausted she was. “You okay?” 

“Not really.” She sighed while wiping tears off of her face.

“Why not?” She looked over at him.

_ He totally knows. _

“Joel told you, didn’t he?” Ellie could see right through his bullshit.

“How the hell do you do that?” They shared a quiet laugh.

“It’s a blessing and a curse.” There was more to that statement than Tommy could ever know.

There was a minute of silence, both of them lost in thought.

“I did everything I could to get out of there, and I don’t even know if it was worth it.” She needed to let these things out.

“What do you mean?”

“I just-“ Ellie needed to confess something that she felt like she couldn’t tell Joel. “I always feel guilty. Over everything.”

“Why’s that?” 

“...I shouldn’t be here.”

“You don’t really believe that.” He looked over at her. “Do you?”

She looked at him and her eyes told him everything. Tommy sighed.

“I know how you feel, kid.” Ellie questioningly looked at him. 

“Ellie, I could’ve saved Sarah.” He looked down at the concrete. That guilt still pushed at him to this day.

She was still confused.

“He hasn’t told you the whole story yet, huh?” Ellie shook her head.

Tommy told her everything. They sat on that curb for  _ twenty minutes _ while he told her stories from the first few years of the outbreak.

“When we were in Boston, I saw how much it hurt him. Every. Single. Day. I let the guilt consume me, and I was almost as unhappy as he was.” Ellie continued to listen intently. 

“That’s one of the reasons why I joined the Fireflies. I had to get away from him before it killed me.

“Then you came along.”

Ellie didn’t expect to be a part of this story.

“When you guys first came here, I could see that he really cared about you. I only agreed to take you off his hands ‘cause I knew he couldn’t afford to lose another little girl. But you surprised me, kid. You’re a lot tougher than I gave you credit for.

“More importantly, you brought my brother back, and I can’t thank you enough. It means a lot to me, and I know it does to him too.”

Ellie felt a tear fall down her face again.

She finally understood. 

“He’s gonna kill me for making you cry.” 

Ellie laughed again.

More silence.

“I had to watch my best friend turn.”

Their conversation got serious again.

“I’ve never told anyone this, but-” Ellie sighed, “I think I was in love with her, Tommy.” 

He was shocked, not expecting her to say anything like that.

“We both were bitten on the same day. She convinced me to wait it out with her, and instead of both of us going, I had to shoot her.”

Tommy had no clue what to say.

“Why haven’t you told Joel?”

“What?”

“You said you’ve never told anyone.” Tommy wasn’t sure why she was coming to him with this. He was flattered by it, but still confused.

“It’s never really come up.” She sighed again. “I guess I’ve just been afraid of his reaction.”

“His reaction to what?”

Ellie wasn’t sure of that herself, so she shrugged.

“He’s not that much of an idiot, Ellie. That doesn’t matter to him.” It worried him that she felt like she needed to hide these things.

“I know that, it’s just-” Ellie sighed, “I don’t know.” 

She had no clue why she felt so conservative about Riley. Maybe it was because she was the only person she’s ever loved besides Joel. Maybe it was because it was still a sore subject. Maybe because she’s never said it out loud- the fact that she  _ loved _ Riley- but she sure as hell did. It wouldn’t have hurt as much if it wasn’t love, right?

“Just tell him. Don’t worry about it.”

She smiled.

“Thanks, Tommy. For listening.”

“Anytime, kid.” He gave her one of those awkward side-hugs.

“See ya tomorrow?” She got up off the snow-covered pavement. 

“See ya tomorrow.” He got up too, a bit slower though. His age was starting to catch up with him. 

 

Ellie went home after that, completely drained from all the crying and confessing. She got inside, took her shoes and jacket off, flopped on the couch, and curled up into a warm blanket. Ellie quickly fell asleep, hoping to get some rest. 

Yeah, that wasn’t going to happen.

It was the same few nightmares over and over again, and of course one of them brought her back to that diner. 

_ Run little rabbit, run… _

__ _ You can try begging… _

__ _ You have no idea what I’m capable of… _

__ Yet it always had a different ending. Sometimes,  _ he  _ killed  _ her _ with the machete. Sometimes, she killed him, yet he somehow turned into Joel. Sometimes, he didn’t kill her, and instead he r-

It never had a good ending, and some were worse than others. 

This was one of the worse ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I would love to her your feedback!!!  
>  -Jaynie<3


	3. Chapter 3

_Ellie was pinned beneath him._

_“You can try beggin’.” David said, as she could hear the demented smile on his face._

_“Fuck you.” She wouldn’t back down. She’s been fighting too long to give up now._

_David flipped her over and wrapped his fingers around her neck._

_“You think you know me, huh? Well let me tell you somethin’, you have no idea what i’m capable of.”_

_Creepy motherfucker._

_Ellie finally grabbed hold of the machete lying a few feet away from her head and launched it into his arm. David rolled off of her as he yelled in pain and she quickly straddled him in order to rip his stupid fucking face to shreds._

_Which she did._

_Ellie swung the machete over and over again, hoping to make him feel the pain that he caused her. Hoping to resemble some sort of revenge for the shit he’d done to her. The trauma._

_But soon the machete lodged into the floor, and suddenly she couldn’t pull it back out again._

_She quickly got off of him and backed into a booth as she looked at his body in horror. Ellie put her face in her hands and began to sob._

_It was over. He’s dead._

Why don’t I feel satisfied? _She thought._

_Ellie soon realized that she needed to get out of the diner before it burned to the ground. She stood up, even though she’d never felt more weak._

_She found her way out and somehow stumbled back to the house she left Joel in without any static from David’s group._

_Ellie clumsily made it down the stairs._

_“Joel?” She asked, hoping to get some sort of response._

_There was none._

_“Joel!?” She ran over to him and put her hand on his forehead. It wasn’t hot from his fever anymore. She then felt his chest, and he wasn’t breathing._

_She was too late._

_She was too fucking late._

_“No.” Ellie exclaimed, “nonononono…” She began to sob again. “Please, no…”_

“Ellie!”

    She woke with a jolt to see Joel standing over her with a worried look on his face.

    “You okay?” He asked, knowing how she was after nightmares.

    It took her a second to catch her breath. That was a new dream.

    “Yeah, I’m good.” Ellie was lying to both Joel and herself. That would solve the problem, right?

     _Right?_

 “Tommy told me what happened.” Joel sat down at the spot on the couch by Ellie’s feet.

    “Oh.” Ellie said, not really sure how to respond to that. She was almost embarrassed. She sat up and was only a couple feet away from Joel now.

    “Are you sure you’re okay?” The worry-wart inside him was starting to come out.

    “...to be honest, I’m not really sure.” She needed to be truthful to both herself and him if she was going to get over this.

    Joel wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

    “...there anything I can do to help?” He decided to say, just wanting to be supportive.

    Ellie cracked a small smile, getting that warm feeling she always got when Joel was like this.

    She cherished these moments where she got to see the Joel that no one else got to see. The paternal side to Joel that was maybe a bit overprotective and was so gentle with her, as if she were the most fragile thing in the world.

    The support he offered was all Ellie really needed. But it wasn’t going to be enough to get this feeling to go away, and as soon as she realized that, her smile wore off.

   Ellie sighed, and then softly said, “I don’t know.”

    This was just as- if not, more painful for Joel to watch as it was for Ellie to endure. It hurt him so much knowing there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it- her locking herself inside, her tears, her nightmares, and worst of all, her _fear_. Her fear gave him the worst feeling, and that’s why he always tries to comfort her. But this time, the comforting isn’t working, and it feels like he’s being stabbed in the chest over and over again.

    Joel looked over and saw the melancholy expression on Ellie’s face as she looked at the ground. He felt his heart split into two.

    Ellie saw the pained expression on his face and she scooted closer towards him. She gently rested her head on his shoulder, trying to give him some sort of sign that she was still there.

    Joel lifted his arm and put it around Ellie’s shoulders, and she leaned into him even more. He gave her a soft smooch on the top of her head, and after said, “I’m sorry, kiddo.”

    “You have nothing to be sorry for, Joel.” Ellie said in response, not wanting to be a burden.

    She hated that feeling so much-feeling like she was dragging people down, that is. That’s what it was like when she was first with Joel and Tess. Ellie felt like a useless sack of shit, and she didn’t  feel too different than that at the moment.

    “I know, it’s just-“ Joel sighed, “I think I can understand how you’re feelin’.” Ellie questioningly looked up, wanting him to elaborate.

    “For the first few years after the outbreak, I’d shut down whenever the anniversary came around.” She didn’t need to ask what it was the anniversary of. “It was another one of those times where Tommy was tryin’ to drag me out of our little apartment in the QZ. I brushed ‘em off and wallowed in the house for about a month each year. But as the years go on, it gets a lot better. It may have not gone away yet, hell, I don’t think it ever will. You saw me this year, and last, and I was still a bit of a mess. Trust me Ellie, you are a lot stronger than me, and I think as the years go by you’ll see that too.”

    Ellie leaned closer into him, and faintly said, “Thanks, Joel.”

    He let a smile take over his face and briefly tightened his arm around her, “Anytime, kiddo.” He replied.

    They sat on the couch like that for another twenty minutes-both lost in thought, and enjoying each other’s company- before Ellie fell asleep again.

    Who could blame her, she was exhausted. She never got any decent sleep, considering she was having nightmares almost every night.

    Joel slipped his free arm under her legs and lifted Ellie off of the couch. She felt about as heavy as she usually did, and she was not heavy at all. Especially not for Joel, A.K.A. Mr. Huge-Guy-With-Big-Ass-Muscles. Her size reminded him that she was still a child. She had gone through as much, if not _more_ than Joel had, and she was still only _fifteen_. That also reminded him of how strong and mature she was, and knowing that made him so extremely proud of her. She was a grown-ass woman on the inside, stuck in that tiny body.

    He eventually got Ellie into her bedroom and all settled in her obscene amount of blankets. She immediately curled up into their warmth and a faint smile appeared on her face. Joel brushed a stray lock of hair off of her face and whispered, “Goodnight, baby girl.”

    That was the best night of sleep that Ellie had had in a long while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for reading! I’ve been busy lately so it was hard to get this done, but I’ll try my best to get the next chapter out soon. I love writing cute scenes between Joel and Ellie and I would love to hear your feedback!  
> Thanks!  
> Jaynie<3


	4. Chapter 4

**ABOUT 4 YEARS LATER**

 

_     Ellie’s hands trembled as she weakly grasped Riley’s gun. Tears were streaming down her face as she pointed the gun at her best friend’s head. _

_     “I’m so sorry, Riley.” Riley lay on the cold ground of the mall, unconscious. Any second now, she could wake up as a runner, and could easily tear Ellie to shreds. _

_     The battle in Ellie’s psyche continued, where she knew she had to shoot her, but she couldn’t drive herself to do it. Ellie wanted nothing more than for Riley to wake up as just Riley. The Riley that gave her shit and made her laugh. The Riley that always drove her to be more adventurous. The Riley that was her best friend that she  _ loved _.  _

_     So many thoughts were going through Ellie’s mind all at once, but they were put to a halt when she saw Riley’s body twitch. _

_    She looked up at Ellie, her eyes completely bloodshot and let out a growl. Riley-no, this wasn’t Riley. She wouldn’t do that.- the runner leaped at Ellie but didn’t get far when she finally pulled the trigger. _

_     *BANG* _

    Ellie woke up in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. She pushed herself up on her elbows and looked around and realized she was  _ home. _

    She felt something grip her arm and she flinched, only to look over and see her girlfriend with an immense amount of worry in her eyes.

    “El, you okay?” Dina asked, without touching Ellie this time.

    “Y-yeah, I’m fine.” Five years had passed but that sequence continued to pop up in her dream pattern. 

    Ellie looked out the window to see the sun rising. She probably had three hours until her shift would start.

    “You sure?” Dina had been living with Ellie for about a month, and she had already experienced  _ seven _ different occasions of her nightmares. And that was only counting the ones she was awake to see.

    “Mhm.” No matter how much time passed everything still came back to haunt Ellie, and she couldn’t figure out why.

    “You know you can tell me if you’re not. You don’t have to be a super cool badass all the time.” Dina smiled at Ellie with that adorable one that she’s never seen Dina do for anyone else. 

    “I know.” Ellie smiled back, staring into her girlfriend’s eyes.

    Dina inched her way towards Ellie, “Even though the super cool badass side to you is pretty hot too.” Ellie scoffed and Dina leaned in to give her a short-and-sweet kiss. “Along with the rest of you.” Ellie initiated the next kiss and it quickly got a lot less playful and a little more serious once she rolled on top of Dina. (Dina knew better than to get on top of Ellie. She learned that pretty quickly.)

    Ellie broke away and looked at Dina, who gave her the most beautiful, love-struck look she’d ever seen.

    “God, you’re so pretty.” Ellie whispered and soon dove in for another urgent kiss.

    She hadn’t gotten this feeling since Riley.

    That’s when Ellie realized it.

_ Holy shit, I love her. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a while since I posted a chapter for this, which is my bad. I’ve been having trouble figuring out what to add to this, but after that E3 demo I had to get Dina in here. I know it’s a short chapter but I’ll be sure to get another one out soon. As always, I’d love to hear your feedback if you have any. Thanks for reading!  
>  -Jaynie<3


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